Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

Please come and collect this little terror of a four year old you seem to have misplaced in my home and return to me the delightful daughter I once had. This model appears to be malfunctioning on a daily basis and rectifying these hiccups is becoming quite tiring...

For starters, the ears on the current model seem to be painted on. I would dearly love my delightful daughter back as her ears worked perfectly nearly 100% of the time.

This model only responds to shouting. When addressed in a calm or stern voice, she carries on with the undesirable behaviour but once shouted at, the behaviour ceases most of the time. Failing shouting, threats of a smacked backside or time out seem to be the only means to stop the poor behaviour.  

The attitude, oh my goodness, the attitude. Version 1.0 seemed far more delightful but the current model huffs, puffs and storms off for no apparent reason. Clearly a manufacturing fault that is not addressed in your warranty guidelines.

The previous model ran on a balanced diet of very nutritious food. This model however declares “I don’t like that” when presented with almost any meal and seems to have a constant desire for junk food. Of course, when requested junk food is not presented, model reverts to the huffing puffing attitude mentioned above.

Finally, the attention that this model requires is unbelievably exhausting. “Mum, look at me. Mum look at me. Mum watch this” are requests this model shouts all day long. Quite frankly, I can only pretend to be impressed by a child spinning in circles while waving her arms and making silly noises so many times before I lose interest. If I lose interest and don’t react with enthusiasm however, the model again reverts to above mentioned huffing and puffing. Please rectify this huffing and puffing issue!

So, Universe, as you can see, you have made a big mistake by switching models on me while I slept one night. I think it occurred around about 8 months ago so if you could please go back through your business records to find when the switch occurred then return version 1.0 to me, I would sincerely appreciate it.

Thank you kindly,

Kate J